surrendering.

I realized that painting isn't better after all. I’ve noticed that I don’t like the feeling of being in control when it comes to creativity. It’s like the more I try to “do it right,” the less joy I feel. I catch myself overthinking every brushstroke—second-guessing the colours, the shapes, the balance of negative space. Instead of flowing, I freeze. I find myself wishing I could sever my hand from my arm. It feels like my mind is micromanaging my body, and I just want to break the connection for a moment. I yearn for child's play, for getting back to a free state, to a headspace where my brain doesn't know to categorize things by "good" or "bad". Where movement is led by curiosity and pleasure, not judgment or self-consciousness.

I remember when painting or writing would relieve this sense of anxiety. They were my outlets. My safe ways to release and disconnect, when I didn’t measure creativity by output, but by how deeply I got lost in it. But, from growing increasingly conscious of my patterns, my habits, my thoughts—my creative process became another thing to control. I don't know when that flipped. When I started chasing the right outcome instead of letting creativity guide me wherever it wanted to go. I can't reverse-engineer creativity. It's something you have to surrender to, from the beginning. And wow, do i ever have a hard time letting go.

I realize how much social media has quietly drained me. How much it's rewired my brain to perform instead of play. So I started asking myself: What did I love doing before smartphones? What lit me up when no one was watching?

A few things come to mind, like when I would:

• Write in the grass during a sunny afternoon

• Draw blueprints

• Build said blueprints into Legos

• Create forts with pillows and blankets

• Rollerblade

• Choreograph a dance to my favourite song

• Read magazines

• Play board games

• Practice singing songs so I would remember all the lyrics

• Make mixtapes, waiting for my favourite songs to come on the radio

What are some things you used to do that brought you joy?