oscillating

I often wonder what future Tia will think about today Tia: what will she say about the life that I chose to live, what will she say about how I chose to live it? The thought haunts me, often. I have this fear that I am not living up to my fullest potential. Like I'm supposed to be doing something else, like I'm supposed to be someone else. There's a thousand other lives I'd like to explore and often this very thought spirals me into paralysis.

I associate growth with movement, with change. I live in a perpetual pursuit of constant motion, of twirling fairy dust, never wanting it to settle. As soon as it does, I crave the thrill of stepping outside my comfort zone. I teeter totter between wanting to conform to please others and wanting to disturb the status quo to please myself. Perhaps that's the wrong way of putting it, but I notice the subtle ways I rebel against expectations and find myself feeling free and deeply fulfilled when I do. Who wants to be predictable anyway?

I swear the universe is playing "hot and cold" with me. I purposely infuse my life with bursts of little shifts, self-inflicting course-corrections, praying they point me to my life's purpose.

"Is something wrong with me?" "Why am I wired this way?" "Why can't I thrive in the simple life?" I raised this with my therapist and she had two questions for me that changed my outlook: "Do you like the way you're operating in life?" and "Is it working for you?"

I’ve since surrendered to the shifting tides between the ocean and the shore – the very place where creativity meets me: stillness in motion, all at once.

There's a desire to build a home there.